Another Siting

We order our bulk herbs from a place in Iowa.  It takes about a week for the package to arrive.  I pull out the packing list and in the upper right-hand corner a blue arrow points to a phrase written in black ink - "2Rabbits"  Of course, what came to mind?  Yep, the picture of Dad in the Marine Corp. with Rabbit written across the top.  I hope he has my Lotto numbers....

Family!

I've thought a lot about John's post over the past couple of days.. I don't remember the conflicts because, as he said so eloquently, they don't matter. We encircled Dad and each other with the unbreakable bond that had been forged as children. I have watched the videos he so lovingly made, over and over, and each time I recognize his timing of visuals to music.. our smiles, the presence of parents, our friendship, the love.. I agree, we were separated by distance and focused on how to make our own way in the world.. just as Mom and Dad had done when they got into the 1939 Buick with a 1941 engine and headed west.  In doing so, they began their life together.. but the bond they had with their siblings never wavered either and soon, they all came together; to take care of each other and to once again be friends, raise their families together and allow us to have an opportunity to know and love our cousins on both sides. 

While living in Bakersfield on and off over the past 5 months, and most explicitly the 5 weeks before Dad passed away, I was reminded that the journey I take can never really be taken without you boys, because you are so much a part of who I am, who I became. 

Since returning to Utah and back to work, I realize I don't yet have a new normal. I am lonely now without you all. I miss the daily texts, the 10:15 am blog updates, the phone calls and emails, more updates, the conversations, the hugs, the "I love yous".  I have shared with Lee and my children.. my feelings.. I don't have a family of my own without you all.. To have everyone together in Bakersfield.. (which will always be home), was the comfort I needed to be able to grieve, to share, to hug and to move forward.  This doesn't take away from the love I have for my husband and children because to me.. I am me only when I acknowledge that I am a part of all; that is how we were raised. Mom and Dad both gave us the gift of the meaning of family. 

Continue your writing brother dear.. it is truly your gift from God.  You have a special talent.. it is soothing, endearing, funny and enlightened.  I miss you .. and will see you at Thanksgiving .. because that is our family tradition! Tom, Bill, John and Jim.. thank you for being the rocks .. the boulders! on which I can lay a shoulder. Mary, Deb, Ranae and Debbie.. thank you for being sisters - you are my gift! To your kids and grandkids - I love being their Aunt..

Life is good!

PS.. I do wish I had asked Dad, at some point when I was living with him over the summer, the story of the cookie jar..  I loved coming home to find my "Fiddle Sticks".  Until he could not drive anymore, he never forgot to stock the cookie jar for me, but I realize I was so busy putting my hand in the cookie jar, I forgot to look at it!  Now that it sits on my desk.. it's creepy! 

Growing Apart

The funeral is over.

The estate is being taken care of.

It's time to get back to our lives.

Tuesday night dance lessons remind me of Dad.  It's the continuity waltz.  Would would have thought?

Sleep is getting more regular.  Alcohol consumption down.  I no longer have that built in excuse for "another glass of wine".  Crap.  That was a handy little excuse.  I'll miss it.

Rode my horse for the first time in a month.  Churchill knew what he was talking about when he said, "Nothing is better for the inside of a man, than the outside of a horse."  (Or, something like that).

I had mentioned to Ranae (my wife) the other day how much closer I felt, not only to my siblings, but to their children and the friends of Dad as well.  She asked if I thought it would stay that way.  Don't know.  Hope so.

I think back to the first time we all left the house to pursue our lives.  To paraphrase someone special. "To go out and see the world."  We all did just that.  In our own way.  Getting together once or twice a year for the big holidays.  Did we really know each other very well a year ago?  I can only speak for myself, and the answer is not really.

It's not that I think we missed out on anything major.  We all built our respective families and the lives we now have the way we wanted them to be.  The reality is, I think it made us stronger.  When we rejoined for the common effort of Dad's care and comfort, the fact that we had a good foundation AND  independence was one of our stronger assets.  Because we had grown apart there were conflicts between us over Dad's care.  Legitimate differences of opinions based much on the life experiences we've had in the years since we left the nest.  But, because of the good foundation, the conflicts led to debates.  Everyone was heard.  The debates led to discussions.  Everyone listened.  The discussions led to consensus.  And, it was that consensus that insured Dad got the very best of available care.  Did we make mistakes?  It does not matter.  Dad was with us every step of the way.  He would not look back.  We should not either.

Growing apart and being able to still come together.  Most families are not nearly so lucky.  You gotta hand it to Mom and Dad.  Hmmm.  When I was fifteen I was sure they had absolutely no idea of what they were doing.