My love letter to Dad.

Dear Dad:



Bill shared with me yesterday that he has been doing a lot of reading about end of life.. I had not.. I have spoken to two people who have recently gone through this and felt that reading about it would only compound my sadness.  But after talking to Bill I decided to start reading more about it. It has made the sadness a bit more profound, the loneliness of being so far away more difficult and yet, so much more grateful to have you as my dad. I am stronger in my faith that a loving God knows best and have a deeper gratitude that God placed me in to this loving family with parents who loved so completely.  One of the most compelling realizations that I had while reading the articles was the signs of the dying process and the specific idea of reconciling with ‘regrets’.  I realized that in all of the wonderful conversations I have had with you dad, you have never once expressed any regrets.  I thought about that for a long time and then recognized that I think is the best lesson you have ever taught me.  Whether I was getting in trouble as a teenager ~ which was in no way as dramatic or long term as some people think ;-/   ~  or moving to Los Angeles to ‘be on my own’, taking the leap to move to Utah, even though I would be so far away from family, going back to school at 50, or any other decision I have made, you and Mom were always there to say either “learn from it, and then it isn’t a mistake” or “go for it, you never know until you try”.  What a wonderful example of how to live and now, how to prepare to die.  To be able to see pictures or hear stories from the boys now, as they spend time with you, about the adversities you face each day during this illness, are awe-inspiring.  To have the past few visits with you be so loving and thoughtful, to remember sitting on the side of your bed and holding you while we cried together, then fifteen minutes later being spanked in a game of 5 Straight, as you bucked up for me, has helped me to focus only on remembering the life I have being Bill Harrer’s daughter… not the sadness I have now at the pending loss of not having those moments with you anymore. 

I will always cherish one special memory; our visit to Hawaii and, most specifically, our visit to Pearl Harbor. As I look at the pictures of your grandchildren listening so intently to you as you described the day the base was attacked, I am reminded of the power of that day.  We were all together and on that day especially, I realized that you had had a life before being my dad. I don’t know why it hadn’t occurred to me before then, but that day especially was an epiphany for me.  I remember watching my Christopher stare at you with utter awe and Nick turning to me after saying, “I want to be a Navy Seal”.  Even though he was unable to fulfill that dream (which he still aches for), it was because of you, dad and the admiration they have for you. 

So, THANK YOU Dad, for being the man who set the bar for the man I wanted to marry and the sons I wanted to raise.  Thank you for being the man that would inform my daughter on what to expect from a hard-working, honest and decent man.  Thank you for always looking forward and only looking back with gratitude, love and fondness for the opportunities you were given and the choices you made from those opportunities.  Thank you for giving me the strength to spread my wings and explore what life had in store for me, it took me around the world and settled me exactly where I was meant to be.  I am so grateful that you are you and I am so blessed that my eyes are open enough to recognize the true sparkle of who you are.  You are truly a one-in-a million man. I am so proud of your accomplishments, your service to family, God and Country.  Most importantly dad, thank you for providing such a strong, loving home where now, we can all face this difficult time together.  That home is always in my heart, no matter where I am or how far away I might be and because of you, I know we will all make it through this painful experience together, with love and comfort.  I love you with all my heart, and then some. Your Daughter, Cathi.