September 22nd Afternoon Where to Go From Here?

Bill, thanks for you thoughtful post.  Let me just say that there is no way you should have feelings of being a "bad person".  The effort you and Deb have contributed has not only demonstrated you've tossed your ante into the pot, but that you are "all in" to boot.  Those feelings you have, I am certain, are shared by not only the rest of the family, but people down through the ages who face this very same dilemma with people they truly love.

By the time Tom arrived we were in Physical Therapy.  Tina was noting how she had had about a week off and it appeared as if Dad had not improved strengthwise.  She instructed us to talk to his doctors if we were going to get him into assisted living.  Dad was in great spirits during PT.  Tom and Tina were joking around and Dad was playing right back.  While struggling to do the exercises he gave it all his effort.  Tina even remarked that he was one of the few patients she has that doesn't give up. 

I had a haircut at 11 and returned at noon.  Dad was in bed sleeping and disinterested in lunch.  Tom and I went outside and discussed at length Bill's concerns and what would be the best way to proceed.  We walked over to the Bistro and got lunch and sat by the pool.  It was quite pleasant.  Bill's blog post came over the iPad and I read it to Tom.  We had another extended conversation about Bill's concerns.  We took turns debating both sides and also considering what we thought best for Dad.  I know that you all realize the trust and respect we have for any and all your concerns and we do our best to act as though you were here having the discussions with us.

By the time we got back to Dad's room at 2:15 he had not touched lunch and said he just wanted to sleep until dinner.  He did ask for an apple juice, which Tom went and got and he drank about 1 1/2 ounces.  Tom had also got a vanilla pudding.  Dad said he didn't want to spoil dinner.

I spoke with Julie the nurse, a very sweet gal, and while she is no expert on hospice, she thought if we considered the antibiotics "pallative" that they might be able to still provide them.  I asked her about severe pain and she related to me the story of one client who received pain meds every hour to control pain.  I asked if that person could feel the pain and she said she didn't think so. 

Then, I thought about Dad without antibiotics.  I think that there is an almost equal chance of any or all of the following happening as there is of the infection returning (geez, John where did you learn to write?  Does that last sentence make any sense?)  If the antibiotics are contributing to muscle weakness, could he get stronger?  Would fluid buildup be less?  Might his kidneys improve?  Would the diarrhea go away?  Would he have a little more energy?  Would his eyesight improve?  Might it give him a little better quality of life before the cancer really kicks in?

I don't know the answer to any of these and there is always the "trade off" with the antibiotics.  Tom and I will meet up again tomorrow morning and give it a go when Dad will hopefully have a little more energy.  As always, we'll stay close.  Love to all.