A Conversation about God and Dying

These are special times.  To be able to sit with Dad and talk about life in this context is difficult to say the least, but also really special.  John left around 8:30 and Dad decided he would like to take a nap.  As he sat up in bed, we started by having a conversation about the Marines.  He asked what I was reading and I told him I had found a book at his house called "Deceit at Pearl Harbor" and said, "That books true you know."  He told me how he felt so unprepared when he was a Marine, he thought the training is so much better now days, but quickly added, he was sure glad he wasn't fighting the war in Afghanistan. He said, "Its good I didn't have to go ashore in Iwa Jima.. I would have drowned I had so much equipment on." The conversation moved to a quick memory of a time when Uncle Frank was in Taipan and Dad was stationed in Iwa Jima.  They took leave together and Dad went to Taipan to hang with Frank for a week.  He said it was a good time, but it made him nervous to be around so many Japanese, as we were fighting them.  I asked him if he remembered first meeting mom.. he said, "Oh sure.. we both worked at H.S. Martin together. We started off as friends." I asked how long they dated before he proposed.. his reply was "3 months"... (me) "seriously? was it love at first sight or something?"  (dad) "I just knew she was a good gal" (me) .. "she was indeed"  We talked about old family friends, the Siebals, Wilfongs and Bouchards... Then I mustered the courage and got something off my chest.. I asked, "Dad, do you believe in God?"  His response.."Ah, hon.. I don't want to screw you up, but no" (me) "Why?" (Dad) "Because then I'd be mad." (me) "Why?" (Dad) "Because I don't know why this is happening to me.. I figure I must have done something really bad."  And off we went on a journey together that I will cherish forever....
(me) "Do you think Mom is waiting for you Dad"
(Dad) "No"
(me) "Do you think there is a Heaven?"
(Dad) "No"
(me) "Why?"
(Dad) "Because it's not practical.  With all of the gillions of people who are born and die.. I just can't see it, it doesn't make any sense to me."
(me) "So, do you think you just go in the ground, end of story?"
(Dad) "Yip..That's it.. From Dust we came and dust we shall return, that's what they say."
(me) "Dad.. that's from the Bible."
(Dad).."Hmmm"  You know.. Mother Nature is something else ...
(me) "What do you mean?"
(Dad).. "Well, the first week I was here (Rosewood), I looked around the dining room and I thought, man, I wouldn't change places with a single one of them .. now I think there are a couple of people here I might .. "  we laughed.
(me)  "Dad, may I share with you what I believe.. I don't want to screw you up either"
(Dad)  "Sure hon"
(me) "I believe in God. I choose to believe that God has a plan and that each one of our lives are part of His plan."
(Dad) "But Cathi, your mom was a good woman.. she didn't deserve to go that way..we were taking a walk, that's all.. and she tripped and I couldn't help her. (he started to tear)  I didn't even get to say goodbye.That's not fair..  "
(me) "But dad.. she had such a good life with you.. and you're right, that was hard on you.. on all of us.. but you know what dad? we all learned from that.. we learned to tell the people we love that we do love them, not to let words go unsaid. And mom didn't suffer. And now, we have all had this time with you and it is such a blessing, these talks, these times with you.. the closeness. We are saying things that are important to say."
(Dad) "Yeah, you might be right." (unconvincingly)
(me) "I believe our lives are a journey, and had this not happened then the past few months of conversation, the closeness your children have with you and each other, the way it has brought our family together, they might have not happened... and we wouldn't have met Chuck (resident at Rosewood).. and you know Dad, he told me that you were his best friend here, that he feels so welcome in your family. He comes to check on you everyday.. and give you an upbeat comment .. but mostly, I would not want to give back one second of this time with you, not one single second."
(Dad) "Well, I never thought about it like that."
(Me) "Would you do me a small favor?"
(Dad) "Sure, hon"
(Me) When you think you might be ready, would you think about why you lost your faith in God and think about how you might reconnect? Maybe it might help, maybe it wouldn't .. But if there is even the smallest chance that I thought you would be welcomed Home by Grandma Harrer, Uncle Frank, Bob, Aggie and Mom.. well.. I think that is way better than thinking about just going in the dirt.. and it might make it easier for you to not be afraid of going.. "
(Dad) "Sure, I'll do that.. but Cathi.. you won't ever really know."
(Me) "Oh I will dad, that is where my faith comes in.. I do believe they are waiting to welcome you home.. I mean.. I don't think it is a place.. and I can't explain it.. it's not like a condo settlement in the sky.. but I do believe our souls are returned home to the promise of God.. and I know He will help you to find a way to let me know you are safe and sound, back in His loving arms.. and you'll tell Mom how proud you are of the way you raised us kids...and you'll be happy"
(Dad) "Okay hon.. I will, I will try real hard."
(me) "You've taught me a lot dad.. You are more than a soldier.. you are a warrior.. and you have fought the battle."
(Dad) "Well, I sure tried my damnedest"
(me) "I love you dad"
(Dad) "I love you too hon"

I am sure much of that was more for me than him.. but the conversation flowed so smoothly.. it was teary and sad.. but not painful..And with that.. he had fallen asleep and slept until it was time for lunch.  He had a cup of soup (chicken broth) and some jello.The PT came in and asked if he was up for some therapy...he pondered the idea for a while and then, in true form... said "sure, might as well"  After, we went and sat outside on the patio for awhile, then he wanted to go in for  nap.  Bill came in town..  Bill and Tom took Lee to get some lunch (thank you brothers), Amelia, Mary and I went to Mimi's and had french onion soup (thanks so much, Mary). We got back in time for dinner with Dad (where he ate a cup of soup again) -and then Amelia and Lee had a hard time saying goodbye... a pain we have all felt.  Bill and I sat with dad for a while and I started typing.  I walked out of the room a couple of times and as I did, I realized I am in awe of the strength of these lovely and gentle elderly people.  They always have a smile and a "good day"  Some are forgetful, others recovering from some thing or other..Dad woke up for a bit.. he was teary.. I asked him what was going on and he said, "I never thought this would happen" I said, "I am so sorry dad" He said, "and in just a little bit too" I said "I know... it's hard, it happened so fast".. and with that, he took my hand and kissed it... and said "Did I say Happy Birthday?"  I told him, "You did.. in so many ways" He said, "Oh good"   I love this man!!! He teaches me more about me every day!!! I am blessed!