If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him I’d play a song that would never, ever end.

Tuesday - October 9, 2012

I wanted to go to sleep early tonight.. but it seems I am afraid to go to sleep at all... The individual days have gone... and what I have now are blended and jumbled moments of storytelling, kisses and "I love yous".

Dad had a busy past few days with visits from Aunt Margie and her daughter Terri, Jim, Debbielu and Nikki, Debbie, Tommy, Sarah, Rob and the kids, as well as Michael, Kristy, their kids, Kevin, Nancy and John Thomas and some of his tennis friends.

The reality is that our Dad is slipping away and the sadness is that, although we have had this beautiful time with him, alas.. we are not ready.  I think we all feel cheated out of the years we thought we had just a few months ago.

Over the past 12 days I have been awestruck over and over again; at the strength of Aunt Marge -In true Harrer style, she mustered the resolve to whisk away her tears, smile and give hugs, even though she was hurting. She told me it was "a wonderful visit with her brother, sharing stories of old times, good laughs the comfort of being able to see him again."  Secondly, at the strength of my family.  I loved having all of my brothers around -  and dad told me after all the company was gone that "it was a really good visit"  He went on to say, "that sure was nice of everyone to come visit" - so, Thank YOU.. to you all!! Thirdly, I realized today how much I care about this lovely array of kind of wacky people at Rosewood. I love Chuck -  I honestly do!. I believe he is genuinely one of the sweetest, funniest, most loveable people I have ever had the pleasure to share a song with. Then there is Mr. Comelli (who we strangely call Mr. K and has a deep love of french fries - or should I say ketchup and the french fries are only the vehicle), His Honor Mr. King (who dad worries about being able to get food to his mouth, and somehow he makes it each time)  Helen (who always asks, "How's Dad today?" and I know she honestly wants the news),  and Margie's (not to be confused with Aunt Marge) ever watchful eye, no matter where in the room she is sitting (who made it to the big house today.. go Margie).. and our sweet Mary Moon (who wanders the hall, one moment blissful and the other pounding on the wall - confirming to everyone she is Japanese American and that Tom is "nice lady").. the world in which they live is both amazing and scary for me.. but this community brings me joy and laughter every day.
As I sat on the edge of dad's bed rubbing his stomach (he thinks I got lessons from John - who he has declared has magic hands and the best massager of us all!), I realized that this was yet another day I did not expect to share with him. He is tired and weak but holds on to life with a strength which has honestly left me breathless. He has told me he loved me, cupped my face in his hands,  laid his head on my shoulder and reached out for a sweet kiss on the lips.  We have cried together and he has comforted me, telling me not to be sad. I have had the opportunity to apologize to him for any disappointment I caused and he said.. "Oh no hon.. no regrets"  and I knew he meant it.  And in private I have gotten to tell him how deeply I love him, how grateful I am for all he has done, how much I admire and respect him and how his unwavering love and pride enabled me to become the person I was meant to be.

He is now in a private room and this is a blessing.  As he grows weaker, we all sit by his bed and look for connections, for moments.. for more time.  I got to Rosewood about 9 am.. Dad was asleep.  I sat quietly on his bed for about an hour when he looked towards me and said, "Where did you go?"  I reached over to get his earset and put them on.. I asked, "What, Dad?"  (Dad) Where did you go?  (I had the real sense he wasn't talking to me) I asked, "Dad.. do yo know who I am?"  He looked at me for a few seconds.. then seemed to have this change.. and looked at me differently before saying, "Hi Hon".  I admit, it threw me off a bit... I replied, "Hi Dad, how are you doing today?"  (Dad) "Not so good".  That was the first time he had offered "not so good" so I asked him what was bothering him and he said, his stomach and asked me to feel it.  I did, it is so taut, I am sure the discomfort is enormous. So, I sat on his bed and rubbed his tummy a while longer.  I asked if it felt good and he said, "Oh, yea".   Bill came around 10, just as he was arriving, so was Pastor Terry (I had requested a visit).  I introduced Pastor Terry to dad and asked if it would be alright if the Pastor visited with him for a while. Dad seemed responsive, said "sure".  Bill and I stepped out of the room and let them speak privately.  As Bill and I were in the hall way, we read John's post and saw the comments about the 'curly headed girl'.. It was disconcerting.. and scary... Bill and I stood in the hallway, holding on to each other as we both wondered if we were stepping in to the next chapter. Pastor Terry came out and let us know they had a good talk and that he would be back tomorrow... He said that Dad had told him he was looking forward to seeing Mom again and seemed at peace with what was eminent (his words).

We took Dad to the lunch room, but he didn't want to eat and asked to go back to his room.  Once there, he wanted to nap, but before putting him to bed, Tom asked him if he would rather have his room decorated for Halloween or Thanksgiving.. his quick answer... "Thanksgiving" We stayed for a while longer as dad fell asleep. I noticed his breathing seems to be a bit more labored. The nurse came in and took his temp, it was 96.4.

Off Tom and I went in search of Thanksgiving decorations (all we could find was Halloween, so we had to call Mary for a bailout-thanks Mary).  When we returned an hour later, Tom thought it would be a good idea to try and get Dad to sit up and move his body just a bit, so I woke him and asked if he felt okay to go sit outside and get some fresh air; his reply,  "sounds good." Tom, Mary, Bill, Dad and I went to the patio on his new side of the building.  It was quiet and peaceful. The five of us sat there for a few minutes whenTom broke the silence with the question, "Dad, what was your favorite TV show?"  (Dad) "Fibber McGee and Molly".. Tom got on his iPhone, had SIRI (who Tom is convinced is his personal secretary) look it up, and within minutes was playing a short broadcast for dad.. it was sweet. (Dad) "Yea, that's it."  (Bill) "Dad, what do you think was your best accomplishment?"  (Dad) "Oh, I don't know" (he pondered for a while) "I think making parts for the space ships that went to the moon."  (I'm not sure I knew  he did that - and he also divulged that he never finished dry cleaner certification school - oops) The conversation quickly moved to little league baseball, the years he managed the "Lil Yanks" and his winning seasons.  Bill asked Dad what he thought Tom's biggest accomplishment was.. (Dad) "Oh, probably working nights and getting the electricity back on for people".. (Bill) What about Catie?  (Dad)  "Touched by an Angel.. she did a good job on that."  (Dad) "What is your biggest accomplishment?  (Bill) "What do you think it is, dad?" (Dad) "I asked you first." then relenting.. he said "managing all those people - being a good manager"  (Bill) What about John?  (Dad) "He caught on to being a machinist real quick" (Bill) and Jim?  (Dad) "Starting his own company.. turning it in to millions" (Bill) and what about Mary?  (Dad) "Keeping Tom in line... and pie!"  (Bill) What is the most favorite thing Mary makes for you? (Dad) "Split Pea Soup"  (Mary) Not chicken pot pie? (Dad) "Oh that was before, but now (he took a breath and we could see he was getting tired) it's pea soup."  Tom and I marveled how, no matter what, Dad is always practical, even now.
(Bill) "If there is one thing you would want us kids to remember, what would it be?"
(Dad) "That's a good question.. hmm.. I don't know, I have to think about that."

We sat outside for a few more minutes and Dad told us Switzerland was the most favorite place he visited.. and he told us of the day Jim was born.. (Dad) "The doctor came out and told us he wasn't going to make it.. your mother looked at him and said, "oh yes he is.. not get your butt back in there" .. now look at him!" The questions and answer session continued as he told us his favorite time with mom was on their honeymoon in the Ozarks where is was bitten by a tick and almost died from Rocky Mountain Spotted Tick Fever.. go figure that somehow that was his best time with mom.. that he never played sports in high school because he had to deliver the newspaper and .. (and for me, this was one of the funniest moment of the afternoon).. he said rain or snow he had to deliver the paper.. and Bill said, "Kind of like Tom, huh Dad?" and then Tom said, "but dad.. when the weather was bad, you thought oh no.. when the weather was bad for me.. I saw dollar signs... " and Dad looked at him and said.. "oh yea.. dollar signs.." and they were all laughing.

Tom asked his favorite tennis player.. "Andre Agassi"  His favorite modern technology??? It was the interstate highway - he thought it was real important that the highways connected North and South, East and West.  For a self taught man, that was some incredible logic. Again, I was in awe of how he thinks and what he determines to be significant.  We talked about his inventions.. and all the patents we were going to file.. and never did, like my personal favorite, the portable garbage can for picnics and camping or the clips he made to put on an outside table so the table cloth didn't blow away. Bill and Tom remembered (albeit differently) the device dad made to open the air conditioner vents in the house (remember that plastic handle that hung from the ceiling vents?) and Tom told dad his favorite was "air conditioning for cars" and we reminisced about the trips to Bakersfield with old fashion air-conditioning (rolled down windows) and again, we all laughed. And then, the fatigue got to him and he wanted to go back in and take a nap.  It was 4:30 pm.. I left about 6 pm.. dad had not eaten.. Bill let me know that he didn't end up eating tonight.. just slept.. and kept telling Bill to go home... I'm fearful of what tomorrow might bring... But whatever it is.. I know that we will make it through together... because we are his kids.. and we come from his strength   but if I had one wish.. it would be for another day with Dad.. "To dance with my Father again..."  Love, Sis.   PS.. wishes come true.. off to spend another day, which I know in my heart is a Gift from God.